A cop stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

“What have we here?”

“It’s not mine officer.”

The cop scoffs.

“I’m serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket.”

“Bullshit.”

“Try me!”

The cop frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis and flush it down the crapper. The cop checks my pocket and asks, “So where’s the bag of weed?”

“What bag of weed?”

“””””

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect boobs God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity”.

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, “ok, your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly is outraged and asked,”What was that all about, I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me”?

“Sorry Dolly, says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are”

“””””

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?” Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

“””””

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The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where’s the $5 million you embezzled from me?” demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. “Where’s my $5 million?” the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains: “Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.”

Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant’s head, screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him again where my f**cking money is!”

“Okay! Okay!” the deaf accountant signs back. “The money’s hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.”

“What did he say?” demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

“””””

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