An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: “Ah, you’re an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You’ve had too good of a life, so now you can’t come in here.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we’ve got music in every room. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.”

Satan shouts back, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right… and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

——-

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 A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
——-

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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

——-

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 A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

“Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”

And a great voice was heard from above:

“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”

…………..

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