Inventing golf ….

Along time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub.

One scottsman says, Im going to invent a game.

The second man asks, What do you have to do?

The first man says, You have to get a ball in a hole.

The second man asks, So its like billiards?

The first man says, No, its going to be much farther away.

The second man asks So, its somthing like bowling?

The first man says, No, its going to be played on grass, and its going to twist and turn.

So the second man asks, So its kind of like croquet?

The first man says, NO, Im going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off!

So the second man asks, So you do this once?

The first man replies, NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!!

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve oclock. She didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

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Female Comebacks!

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

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A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

“I’ll have a bourbon and Coke!”

The man then turns to his dog and asks, “What are you going to have, Rover?”

“I’ll have a Scotch and soda — light on the soda,” says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. “Come on,” he says, “that dog can’t talk — you’re a ventriloquist!”

“No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself — but don’t let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.”

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

“Hey, where’s my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.”

“Aw, I didn’t believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.”

“Let’s go look for him,” said the man.

The two went to the drugstore — no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets — no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, “How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!”

“First time I ever had any money!”

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