A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault”

“””””

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A blonde sees a cow with no horns so she asks the farmer, “Excuse me, but why wouldn’t a cow have any horns?”

The farmer replies, “Well, ma’am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don’t have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around. Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming.”

The blonde then points and asks, “OK, but what about that cow, why doesn’t it have any horns?” The farmer replies, “Well, ma’am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it’s a horse.”

“””””

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,”I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

“””””

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This man was unhappy with his appearance, so he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?” “36” The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the cashier “How old do you think I look?”
The cashier says “You’re in your early 30s”.

He says “I’m 55 but I appreciate you”

Feeling good about himself. He’s standing at the bus stop and this little old lady. He asked the lady “how old do you think I am?”

She says “I am 85 years old and my eyes aren’t what they used to be, but when I was younger. I could reach down a man’s pants, feel around for a little and tell someone exactly how old they were.”
“No you can’t”

She says “yes I can”

He looks around and says “Go ahead”

The old lady sticks her hand is pants and moves it around for a bit. She pulls out her hand and say “you’re 55” “What the fuck” he says shockingly.

The old lady says “Nah I’m just messing with you. I was standing behind you at McDonald’s.”

“””””

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