An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’ He is told, ‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day. The man does not like the sound at all, so he goes to the American hell. He is also told the same routine: ‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day.’ He then tries a few other hells and gets the same answer to his question.

Then finally he comes to the Indian hell and finds a very long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’ And to his surprise, once again he receives the same answer.

He exclaims, ‘What the hell! That’s exactly the same as all the other hells-so what’s the long queue for?”
He receives the response: ‘Because maintenance is so bad, the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government of India bureaucrat – so he comes in, signs the register and then goes off to the cafeteria.

“””””

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A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”

The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”
“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”

“””””

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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

“You fuckers”, he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, “the word was celebrate!”

“””””

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A kid is selling lemonade. The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. “25 cents”, says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: “Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing.”

“I guess you’re right” says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

“””””

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