A mom takes her daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill with gifts. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

“””””

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A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent.

Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap.

The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The grunt askes “well what would you do then?”

Marine replies “when a scorpion gets in my tent I usually cut off it’s tail while it’s still alive, keep it as a pet for a few days, might prank my senior officer with it, then eventually I cook it and eat it”.

The grunt feels a little embarrassed, then shifts focus to the airman and asks “what would you do?”

The airman says “I’d call the front desk and ask them why there’s a tent in my room”

——-

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I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said “Beta, you will walk on your legs today.”

I said “Babaji – nothing wrong with my legs”

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my bicycle had been stolen.

I BELIEVE IN ALL RELIGIONS NOW…

“””””

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on … and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God says.

“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” Satan says.

“What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!” God says.

“No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I’m keeping him!” Satan says.

“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!” God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

“Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

“””””

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