An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on … and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God says.

“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” Satan says.

“What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!” God says.

“No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I’m keeping him!” Satan says.

“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!” God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

“Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

“””””

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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”

“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”

“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’!”

“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.

“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was 101 Dalmatians.”

“””””

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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs.”

The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land. No questions asked or answer given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull…

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs…

“Your badge… Show him your badge!”

“””””

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Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can’t make it and swims back.

On the second day, the red head tries. She makes it about 1/3 of the way before she realizes she is too tired and will not make it, so she swims back.

On the third day, the blonde makes an attempt. She swims 1/2 way before she realizes she is too tired and so she swims back.

“””””

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