Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.” She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in the safe-deposit vault.” ”Where is all your silver then?” ”I am sorry, but it is all out, being cleaned and polished.” ”Give me your money then.”

”I tell you,” she said, ”I don’t keep any cash on hand.” ”Listen lady, I am warning you ­ give me your money or I will rip it off you.” And he started feeling her up and down. ”I keep telling you,” she said, ”I don’t have any money. But if you do that again I will write you a cheque.”

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A mom takes her daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill with gifts. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

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A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent.

Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap.

The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The grunt askes “well what would you do then?”

Marine replies “when a scorpion gets in my tent I usually cut off it’s tail while it’s still alive, keep it as a pet for a few days, might prank my senior officer with it, then eventually I cook it and eat it”.

The grunt feels a little embarrassed, then shifts focus to the airman and asks “what would you do?”

The airman says “I’d call the front desk and ask them why there’s a tent in my room”

——-

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I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said “Beta, you will walk on your legs today.”

I said “Babaji – nothing wrong with my legs”

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my bicycle had been stolen.

I BELIEVE IN ALL RELIGIONS NOW…

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