A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas. She insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, ” I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s…. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

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