As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the woman gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde’s car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s Winter in Iowa and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

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Farmer gets a knock on his door, it’s a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he’s been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.
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“Do you have any skills?” The farmer asks.
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“Well, I do have a rare gift — I can communicate with animals.”
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“…sure you can,” the farmer says. “But I like your style. I’ll put you to work.”
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So the man does a few chores around the farm and earns his meal. At dinner, he says to the farmer, “I know you don’t believe me, but I actually do communicate with animals. I can prove it. I spoke to the hens, and they said you were there every morning before dawn to collect their eggs, and you’ve been doing so every day for years since your wife passed.”
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The farmer says, “Wow, that’s exactly right!”
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The man continues, “I spoke to your cow, and she said you’ve faithfully milked her every day before dawn, and you’ve been doing so every day for years since your wife passed.”
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The farmer says, “I’m amazed. That’s true.”
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The man says, “And I spoke to your sheep…”
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“That sheep’s a fucking liar!”

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Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: “what’s your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?”

The old man replied “i’m gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground.

She calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said “that’s one” then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said “that’s two” and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said “that’s one” .”

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A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun. The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually he realizes he’s the last man standing.

He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”

But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
“Tankity tank-tank.”

“””””

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