A druglord learns that one of his most trusted crew members has skimmed off nearly $500K in cash from his drug operation.

Donnie, the crewman is completely deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. The boss assumed he would overhear nothing and so he would never be able to testify in court.

When the boss goes to confront Donnie about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. He tells the lawyer, “Ask him where my money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks , “Where’s the money?” Donnie signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the druglord, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about?”
The druglord pulls out a pistol, puts it to the Donnie’s head and says, “Ask him again. And this time make it clear if he doesn’t tell me I’ll kill him right here and now!” The lawyer signs to Donnie once more, “He’s gonna kill you if you don’t tell him where the money is right now.”

Donnie looks into the boss’s eyes and sees no way out. Out of options and out of time he reluctantly signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a waterproof satchel, buried behind my cousin Pablo’s cabin.”
The boss raises an eyebrow and asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the fucking trigger.”

“””””

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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and…

the coffin stops.

“””””

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.

“What’s wrong?”, said the man next to her. “The bus driver said something that offended me!”, she said.

“Well, that’s not right. Bus drivers are public servants. He shouldn’t have offended you. Why don’t you go back to the front and ask for an apology?”, said the man.

“You’re right, I should do that right now!”, said the mother as she stands up. “Good for you!”, the man replies. “Now, let me hold your monkey.”

“””””

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A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they’re out. And he starts yelling. “This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!”

At once a policeman approaches him and says “Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well… you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now.”

So the man went home and his wife said “Were they out of sugar?”

And he said, “Yes! And also bullets!”

“””””

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