A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough…

“””””

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, “License and registration, please.” Lawyer says, “What for?” Cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Cop says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?” Cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration.” Cop says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.” At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shite out of the lawyer and says: “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?”

“””””

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all… So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, “I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..?
The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded”Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs” The king agreed.

In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…

The guard was baffled… But he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister..licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.

The minister then said;” I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service… Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”

The king realised his mistake and
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.