A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could.” The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that’s what finished him off?!!!” “Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

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A man wanted to literally die with his money, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice. The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life. The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “how could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!” The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “so your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?” To which he replies, “damn right, I wrote the check for the full amount, not a penny less!”

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Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

“What in the name of the lord is happening here?”, he asks in shock.

“Come on in, pastor Jim, we’re playing a game” says one of the drunken men.

“What kind of games is this?” inquires the pastor.

“The women must guess whose dick it is through touch alone. It’s fun, come join us” says the man.

The pastor says: “I’m a man of God, I can not possibly partake in this sort of unholy games”.

The man says: “Oh come on, pastor, your name has already come up six times. Come on in!”

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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