A guy goes to a party and meets a gorgeous girl on a wheel chair. They hit it off and by the end of the night they’re both really horny and she tells him to go to her place. When they arrive to the doorstep she grabs a duffel bag that was hidden behind a bush and instructs the guy to take her to the back of the house.

The guy is a little weirded out, but he obligues. When they get there she starts undressing and pulls a harness out of the bag, instructing the guy to install it on the tree and help her to get “in position”. They have weird but awesome sex, and when they’re done he lifts her from the harness, sits her on the wheelchair and helps her get inside her home. As he is walking away the door opens again, and he sees the father of the girl calling him.

He starts walking a little faster trying to get away from the angry dad, but he keeps calling him, and at the end he stops, bracing himself. The dad catches up to him, and tells him “Every Saturday morning I wake up to my naked daughter hanging from a tree, I just wanted to thank you for helping her get inside the house”

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Charlie and Roy are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Charlie replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims,

‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’

Roy replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’

The devil is absolutely furious.

He can hardly see straight.

Finally he comes up with the answer.

The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Charlie and Roy.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens.

They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like madmen.
The devil is dumbfounded,

‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’

They both look at the devil in surprise and say,
‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.

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So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he’s okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. ‘Sheriff,’ he says, ‘terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.’

Sheriff says, “What? You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?’ Gravedigger says reluctantly, “Well, they said they wasn’t, but you know how those fellas lie.

“””””
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Dugly had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, ‘Dugly, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Dugly was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.

Dugly laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Dugly tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Dugly admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Dugly thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Dugly and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Dugly was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Dugly tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Dugly walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Dugly thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36’.

Dugly laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.’

“””””

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