Doctor Krewson comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

“””””

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?”
Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct again! Now look over there, you see a Cat right?

Me: “Yes, I see a cat”

Homeless man: “how many hairs on that cat’s whiskers?”

Me: “I don’t know?”

Homeless man: “Bro, why you know so much about cock and know nothing about pussy?”

“””””

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I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

“””””

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It was a dark and rainy night and our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.
After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service station.”

The old Chinese man says, “ I am honored to extend my hospitality to you, but be warned, my 22-year-old daughter is staying with me. She is young, impetuous, wild, and she is strictly off-limits. Any man who violates her honor will have the three Chinese torture tests administered to him.”

Giving his word and just wanting a warm bed, the man is shown up to his room on the second floor. After getting settled down, there’s a knock at the door. Upon opening, the Beautiful 22-year-old Chinese daughter steps in the doorway. “ Is there anything I can get you?” She says with a mischievous grin, loosening her robe.
He decides, “What the hell, I’ll take on any torture test for a night with this fox” and he enjoys himself thoroughly………

The next morning, he wakes up alone and notices that it’s a bit tough to breathe. Opening his eyes, he sees a large stone on his chest with a sign that reads:

“1st Chinese torture test – 30 pound stone on chest.”

Snorting in derision and thinking if this is the type of BS the old man was talking about then it was totally worth it, he carries the stone to the window to toss it out. After he does, he notices another sign hanging outside the window from the roof that reads:

“2nd Chinese torture test- left testicle tied to 30 pound stone.

Looking around, he realizes he only has a few seconds before the string is going to get…….tightened. Thinking quickly, he decides to just jump out the window. “No problem, I can untie the string when I hit the ground” he thinks.

His blood runs cold however, when he sees the third sign on the side of the house on the way down that reads:

3rd Chinese torture test- right testicle tied to bedpost.

“””””

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