My grandpa told me, “All you kids do these days is play video games.” “When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn’t pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”.

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.

The grandfather asks “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender – but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather asks “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says “Well… the 2nd SS Panzer Division”

“””””

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”
A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see…that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant…for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.

The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”

——-

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

“””””

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Dugly was getting robbed in the desert. He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, “Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you’re at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward”.

After the robber shot the coat, he said, “shoot a few holes-“.

“Please, no more holes, I’m out of bullets”.

“That’s what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat your ass down”.

“””””

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