Johnny asks his Dad how a country runs
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Johnny asks his Dad how a country runs

Johnny asks his Dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’

That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.

The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.

“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep, as the rich are fucking the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is all shitty,” Johnny explains.

“””””

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A British General and his Men
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A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General starts, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What the Government has decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each centimeter of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

The first soldier goes “From the tip of me head to me toes, sir!”

“Very good,” says the General, “that’s 178 cm, which comes to 356 pounds sterling.”

The second soldier thinks hard, and says “I’ll do from the tip of the thumb on my left hand to the tip of my thumb on the right hand, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 183 centimeters which comes to 366 pounds sterling!”

Well the third soldier has been waiting patiently this whole time. The general asks him “Where are we gonna measure, son?”

He replies “From the palm of me left hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”

General: “That’s a strange request, son! Are you sure you don’t want more than that?”
“Oh, I’m plenty sure!” grins the soldier.

Well, the general bends down to start measuring but pops back up almost immediately. “Soldier!” he yells, “Where is your left pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

“””””

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A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American
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A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American. Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:

-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!

The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,

-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back and protect you from the whiplashes. Let’s start.

The bodybuilder steps up, with full conviction, he chooses a large and heavy metal shield to protect his back. Then, Satan starts with the whiplashes,

1…2… And the shield breaks apart. The 3rd never came, the bodybuilder screamed ‘Please NO, I give up!’

The Muslim steps forward this time. With a smug face, he asks for the physical manifestation of his faith to protect his back. He had done lots of terrible things, but it was all in the name of faith and it would protect him now.

1…2…3…and his faith began to waver…4…5…6… And the sound of something breaking could be heard. Before there was a 7th, he cries out pathetically ‘stop, stop, stop. Please stop!!’

Here comes the Buddhist monk’s turn. He asks for no protection, for pain is in the mind, he will hide behind nothing, and his body would endure any torment!

1…2…3… And he grits his teeth…4…5…6… Tears could be seen in his eyes…7…8…9…10… There is snot coming out of his nose and his back is badly mutilated. But he made it.

Now it’s the American’s turn. He is asked, by Satan, what does he choose to protect his back. The American ponders for a little while, and then calmly says,

-The monk.

“””””

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Area 51
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Area 51

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

“””””

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