Bucket of snails
description

Bucket of snails

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner. Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he’s strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he’s swept off his feet. One thing leads to another and she takes him back to her beach house where they make passionate love for several hours.

The man wakes up in a panic, remembering his wife. He grabs the bucket and dashes back down the beach and up to his house. As he reaches the door he trips and drops the bucket and the snails go everywhere.

As he looks up his wife wrenches open the door and glares at him. Before she can open her mouth to shout at him, he looks down at the snails and says “Nearly there lads, just a few more steps to go!”

“””””

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Gave birth to their first child
description

Gave birth to their first child

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child, and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

“It’s ‘Love.'” said the mother. “All I can think when I gaze on this precious child is ‘Love.’ That needs to be her name.”

The father was not on board. “We can’t name her ‘Love’! That sort of name will cause a world of problems for her down the road. How about a ‘Jessica’ or a ‘Jane’?”

And the two parents fought. During a break in the fighting, the father went out to go to the bathroom, during which time a nurse came into the room and the mother added the name “Love” to the birth certificate. When the Dad learned about this, he was upset, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Resigned, he reasoned that he would love his daughter regardless of the name.

The first few years of the child’s life were pure bliss. However, she came home from her first day of Kindergarten with tears streaming down her cheeks. When the parents asked what was wrong, Love said through her sobs, “Th-the other kids at school! They (sniff) they wouldn’t st-stop laughing at my name! (breaks down)” The mother and father did their best to console Love, telling her that things would change over time.
But they didn’t change for the better. The classmates only became more cruel with time. The taunting becaame merciless throughout elementary school, with Junior High becoming unbearable. Love’s grades suffered and she withdrew into isolation. High School was Hell on earth for the girl, with the cliquishness of High School bearing down on her every sad day of her life.

One night as dinner was being prepared, Love came into the kitchen, silently placed a sad kiss on her father’s forehead, cast a piercing glare at her mother, and walked back to her room. While the puzzled parents wer looking at each other as if to say, “What was that all about?” they heard a terrible noise from Love’s room — a loud BLAM followed by a thudding to the floor.

As they feared, they raced into Love’s room to see the teenager clutching a pistol in her hand, with the self-inflicted wound pumping blood out of her chest. Following a brief period of denial where they couldn’t accept what was unfolding, anger set in for the father. He bitterly turned to his wife and yelled at her:
“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame! Darlin’, you gave Love a bad name!!!”

“””””

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Dog at Butcher Shop
description

Dog at Butcher Shop

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -WHAP!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What in hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

“””””

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Crocodile
description

Crocodile

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around, and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it… getting it in choke holds, biting it’s tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert! The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Brian strangled the crocodile, and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish. An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool, with everybody staring at him in disbelief. The millionaire said, “Well Brian, I guess I owe you a million dollars then.” “Nah, you are all right man, I don’t want it,” said Brian. So, the millionaire said, “I have to give you something, you won the bet.” “How about half a million bucks?” “No thanks, I don’t want it,” Brian insisted. The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something… ” “That was amazing!” “How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?” Once again, Brian said, “No thanks.” Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Brian, then what do you want?” Brian replied… “I want the bastard who pushed me in!”

“””””

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