A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land…

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.
The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he’d just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?

The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can’t take that chance.

“””””

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An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?
Elder lady: WHAT???
Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out “HE ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS”.
Elder lady: I think we ran out of gas.

Driver: No problem, I can tow you to the nearest gas station. It’s only about 5 miles away.
Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: HE SAID HE WILL TOW US TO THE NEAREST GAS STATION.
Elder lady: Okay. Thank you.

As the driver was hooking up the car to the tow truck, he decided to make conversation.
Driver: So where are you folks from?

Elder lady: WHAT???
Elder man: HE ASKED WHERE WE’RE FROM.
Elder lady: Birmingham, Alabama.

Driver: Birmingham. I lived there many, many years ago. Met a woman who was probably the worst fuck of my life.

Elder Lady: WHAT???
Elder man: HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.

“””””

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An attractive woman is browsing a jewelry shop when she suddenly sees a beautiful large diamond ring.

At that moment she lets out a quick and audible fart.

Embarrassed, she tries to play it off and hopes no one heard.

She turns and sees the salesman standing right nearby.

A complete professional, the salesman says to her, “Good day ma’am. Is there anything I can help you with?”

The woman asks him, “Yes, this diamond ring, can you tell me how much it costs?”

The salesman says, “Ma’am, if looking at the ring makes you pass gas then you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

“””””

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So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, “I can defend you for $5,000.”

“What’s the point?” says Jed. “My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They’re gonna find me guilty for sure.”

“Don’t you worry none,” says the lawyer. “The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury.” So Jed reluctantly agrees.

The day of the trial, the neighbor gets up on the witness stand. The prosecutor says, “Tell the jury what you saw.” So the neighbor says, “I was walkin’ along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished.”

“What happened then?” asks the prosecutor.

“Well,” says the neighbor, “Then that goat turned around and licked Jed’s pecker.”

A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, “You know, a good goat will do that.”

“””””

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