A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter’s bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, “What are you doing?!”

“I’m a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband, ” replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a humming sound in the living and sees the daughter with her vibrator.

“What are you doing??“ he asks her. She gives him the same reply and the father leaves her to it.

Later in the evening, the mother hears the noise again and goes to see where its coming from. Her husband is sitting alongside the vibrator. She asks him what he’s doing.

He replies, “What does it look like? I’m watching the game with my son in law.”

“””””

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A Soviet officer exits Stalin’s office and says to himself:

“Stupid moustache-wearing cunt!”

But another officer hears that and says:

“Woah, comrade Ivanov, what did you say?!”

“Ehhmm nothing” responds Ivanov.

“Oh is that so? Well I heard something different. Let’s see what comrade Stalin has to say about this”
They come into Stalin’s office and Stalin asks:

“Yes, comrade Vladimirov, what is it?”

“While exiting your office comrade Ivanov said “Stupid moustache-wearing cunt!”!” Responds Vladimirov
Stalin thinks for a moment and says:

“Comrade Ivanov, who did you have in mind while saying this?”

“Ehmmm, Hitler, ofcourse!”

Then Stalins turns to Vladimirov and says:

“And who did you have in mind, comrade?”

“””””

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This young inmate in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young prisoner. “I’m going to be in this hell hole for five years. My life is over. I don’t know if I can take it!”

“It’s not so bad,” said the old jailbird. “The food isn’t nearly as bad as they say, and all the guys get along pretty well. You like softball?”

“Yeah, I used to play in a league,” said the young inmate.

“Well, every Monday we get to play softball. All the fellows. You can play shortstop or pitch if you like. Everybody plays…it’s all in good fun.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” said the newcomer.

“What about football? You like football?,” asked Hank.

“Who doesn’t?” said the young inmate, starting to brighten.

“Every Tuesday we play football,” said Big Hank. “Nothing too rough, all pass, two hand touch. You can even take a turn at quarterback if you like.”

“Hey that sounds fun,” said the young inmate.

“It is! This place is so good we don’t want to let it get out!” said Hank, slapping his knee. “And, of course, you’re homosexual, right?”

“No.”

“Well, you’re not going to like Wednesdays much….”

“””””

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Dugly woke up with a huge hangover after attending his buddy’s Super Bowl party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Dugly had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Dugly sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Dugly asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!'”

“””””

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