Contemplating jumping

At a bar, a group of drinkers watch on as the 7pm news shows a man at the top of a skyscraper, contemplating jumping.

A man at the bar says to the blonde sitting next to him that he is willing to bet her $100 that the man on the TV will jump. The blonde accepts the bet, and they continue to watch the news.

Not one minute later, the man unfortunately jumps down and plummets to his death. The blonde is dismayed, but hands the man next to her the $100 she owes him.

After pausing for a second, he says: “no I can’t accept this. I actually saw this happen on the 4pm news, this was only a replay. It would be unfair of me to take your money.”

The blonde replies: “oh yes, I also saw it on the earlier news. I didn’t think he’d do it again!”

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3 Soviet men

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag. One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”

The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”

The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”

“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”

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A pregnant woman boards a bus

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. “What exactly is so damn funny?” “I’m sorry, ma’am,” replies the giggling man. “But I couldn’t help noticing you’re pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.’ Then you sat under an ad that read ‘Sloan’s Liniments Remove Swelling.’ Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read ‘William’s Stick Did the Trick.’ And I just couldn’t hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read ‘Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.

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Man about to jump

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

“””””

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