On the first day, God created the dog and said, ?Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ?That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, ?Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, ?Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, ?You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I’ll give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, ?That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, ?Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, ?Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
?Okay,” said God. ?You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

“””””

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So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

?So, you’re a politician…” ?Well, yes, is that a problem?” ?Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

?Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??” says the politician. ?Them’s the rules” Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears…

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t eb right?

?Open your eyes!” says a voice. ?C’mon, wakey wakey, we have only got 24 hours!”. Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ?Who are you??” The politician asks. ?Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ?Welcome to Hell!” ?Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks. Satan throws him a wink. ?Oh, we have been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…” Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. ?It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the tme of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep…

And is woken up by St Peter. ?So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” ?No sir!” says the man. ?So then” says St Peter ?you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on”. ?Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I would prefer Hell” says the politician. ?Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ?What’s this??” He cries. ?Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”
?Ah”, says Satan. ?You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…”

“””””

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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost. They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”

“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”

“I will go then, friends,” says the Jehovah’s Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. But no one answers to a Jehovah’s Witness.

“””””

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There’s a boy named Bonnie. He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.

After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.

She says yes, and he is so happy.

When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.

The wife names the baby ?Love”.

Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name.

She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes.

Love says he ruined her life.

She shoots hm and runs away.

Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him.
?Bonnie! What happened?!”

He becons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: ?Shot through the heart. And you’re to blame. Darling yu gave Love a bad name.”

“””””

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