A woman brought her very limp duck named Qrackers to a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Qrackers, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Qrackers is dead,” replied the Vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1000!” she cried, “$1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1000.”

“””””

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

“””””

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Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorcycle.

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn’t right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and said “whatever is wrong?”

“My legs!” I said. “I can’t feel my legs!”

“Your legs are fine” he said reassuringly.

I looked down and saw that he was right – my legs looked fine. Relieved, I collapsed back on to the bed.

“It was only your arms that we had to remove”

“””””

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Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says “my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed.”

The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says “all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen’t off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family.”

The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.
Finally they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. “Little Johnny, what about you… what is something needed by your family?” Little Johnny stands up briefly and says “nothing, we have everything” and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks “Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn’t need a thing?”

Little Johnny stands back up and says “well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said DAD! Please don’t be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said “Damn it! That’s all we needed!”

“””””

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