Ken and Julie are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Ken says to Julie, “Julie, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Julie replies, “Oh, Ken, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Julie, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right, three times…”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”

“Well, Ken, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…”

“Oh, Julie, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”

“Well, Ken, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…”

“I can’t believe it, Julie, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?”

“Well, Ken, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”

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There were 12 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Eleven were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn’t, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

“““““

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These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it again “take me to your leader”. And the gas pump doesn’t respond again. Now the little martian is getting pretty mad and says again “take me to your leader” or I’ll zap you with my ray gun.

So the gas pump doesn’t respond again, the little martian pulls out his ray gun and BBZZZZZZZZZZZ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM.
The two little martians come to about a block away one martian looks at the other and says “Harvey you should have known better, any guy that can take his peeker and wrap around himself two times and stick it in his ear has gotta be a mean S.O.B”.

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When I was twelve, I hoped that one day I would be dating a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

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