A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?”

“Yes, Sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.

“Oh Father, may I touch it?”

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true Father?”

“Yes, it is, Sister.”

“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”

“““““

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Two 90 year old men, Ray and Stan, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Stan is dying, Ray visits him every day.

One day Ray says, “Stan, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Stan looks up at Ray from his death bed, “Ray, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Stan passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Ray is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Ray–Ray.”

“Who is it ?” asks Ray sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Ray–it’s me, Stan.”

“You’re not Stan. Stan just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Stan,” insists the voice.”

“Stan! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Stan. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Ray.

“The good news,” Stan says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Ray. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”

“““““

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A man is concerned about his wife’s hearing, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”

The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and yells “What’s for dinner??”

She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stroganoff!”

“““““

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.

A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am I had a cat who stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.

The little girl stands up and says ” Well we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got lose and jumped the fence. My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying fuck the rottweiler ate her.”

“““““

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