One day, a man bought a lie detecting robot that would slap anyone who lies. He’s sitting in his living room when his son walks in the front door. The Dad asks, “Where ya been, son?” Son: “I went to watch the new kung fu panda movie.” The robot comes and slaps the son. Dad:”Son, the robot slaps anyone who lies, now tell me the truth.” Son:”dad, I actually went to watch an R rated film, I’m sorry,” Dad:”Is this how we raised you, son, watching filth in your age, I have never done anything like this in your age,” The robot comes and slaps the dad. Seeing this, the mom walks in and says “ha what did you expect? he’s your son after all” The robot comes and slaps the mom.

“””””

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A couple good ol’ boys decide to stop at a saloon on their way through a small town.

It’s a crowded dive of a place and the only place to sit was a couple stools next to a spittoon. Bill and Larry were looking forward to some drinks, so they belly up. It quickly became apparent why no one wanted to sit there, as the tobacco-chewing regulars were constantly coming up to use the spittoon.
Both guys are three sheets to the wind when Bill tells Larry he’ll give him $20 if he takes a single swig out of the spittoon:

Larry: “Hell no! That’s DISGUSTING and there’s NO WAY I’m doing that for $20!”

Bill: “What if I offered you $50?”

Larry: “As much as I could use the money, it’s still not worth it. That shit is FOUL!!”

Bill: “OK. Would you do it for $100??”

Larry thinks for a minute, and decides to go for it. He picks up the spittoon, tips it, and takes a slurp. He keeps slurping and slurping, gagging with every swallow, until the spittoon is empty. He slams down the spittoon, wipes his mouth, and (looking a little green around the gills) holds out his hand for the money:
Bill: “Here’s your $100, but WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DRINK ALL OF IT WHEN ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TAKE ONE SIP??”

Larry: “I couldn’t stop. It was all one piece.”

“””””

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20’s, a woman’s tits are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s and 40’s, her boobs are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, her breasts are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

“””””

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Dugly came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.

Jill sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. “No,” she replied. “I’ve been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today.”

Dugly immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Jill could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.

Dugly stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, “If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!”

“””””

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