Three guys die and go to hell. Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one “What was your favorite sin in life?” He replies “It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time.” So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. “Very well,” Satan says. “You’ll spend the next hundred years in here.” “Hell yes!” the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him.

“What about you?” Satan asks the second man. “It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn’t stay faithful to any of my wives.” “Very well,” Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. “I’ll be back for you in a hundred years.” “Hell yeah!” the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well.

“And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?” Satan says to the third man. “Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time,” replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. “Alright alright alright!” the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, “You know the drill, I’ll be back for you in a hundred years.” as he locks the door.
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100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says “I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!” Satan nods and says “You’ve repented of your sin so I’m going to give you a second chance at life.”
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Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He’s hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. “As God is my witness, I’m never even going to LOOK at a woman again!” Satan replies “Very well, you’re repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life.”
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Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, “Hey man, got a light?”

“““““

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed. “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.

The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.

Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The boulder immediately splits in half.

“Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”

Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”

The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.

“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.

Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
CRACK

Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.

The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”

The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

“““““

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A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly. She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.
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He looks the woman up and down, and says “Hm… Strange. It’s not your time! I’m sending you back.”

“Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?” she asks.

“Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!”
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She’s sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. “If I’m going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!” she happily thought.
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After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She’s hit by a bus and dies instantly.
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Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God.
“What in the world was that?!” she exclaims, “You said I was supposed to live until 108!”
God looks her up and down and says “Well I didn’t recognize you!”

“““““

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell… then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: “So, what’s it gonna be?”
To which he replied, “meow”

“““““

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