One day in a school room:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:
1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said “I’m sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:
“Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!”

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A man goes to the Doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”

“I’ve been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it.”

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, “OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie.”

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.

“Drop your pants and bend over the table,” says the doctor.

“What the hell are you doing?” the man asks.

“Trust me,” says the doctor.

The man, a little distressed, does as he’s asked.

The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well.

“Come back in a week with another banana and cookie.”

The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm.

The next week he returns with another banana and cookie.

“Drop your pants and bend over the table,” says the doctor.

After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, “OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer.”

The man comes back with the requested items.

“Drop your pants and bend over the table.”

Trembling, knowing what’s coming, the man does as he’s asked.

The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits…

Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, “Where’s my cookie?”

And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

“””””

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Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”

Man: “Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?”

Doc: “Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?”
Man: “Yes.”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “If it allows me to live longer, I’ll do it!”
Doc: “Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?”
Man: “Yes.”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “If it allows me to live longer, okay.”
Doc: “Do you stay up late?”
Man: “Yes.”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “If it allows me to live longer, then I shall.”
Doc: “Do you have sex often?”
Man: “Yes.”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too.”
Doc: “Do you smoke?”
Man: “Yes.”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “If it allows me to live longer, I will.”
Doc: “Do you drink?”
Man: “Yes…”
Doc: “You must stop!”

Man: “OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?”

Doc: “You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.

“““““

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