A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub…

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

“What can I get you?” the barkeep asks.

“I’ll just have a beer,” the man replies.

“Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer,” the barkeep says. “However, I do have another drink I can offer you… the Elixir of the Forest Elves.”

“What’s that?” the man inquires.

“Ah,” the barkeep responds. “It’s a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears.”
The man thinks for a moment. “Alright, I’ll try one of those.”

The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colors change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.

Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.

“Jesus Christ,” the man exclaims. “That tastes horrible.”

“No shit,” says the barkeep. “Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?

“””””

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“Menu sir?” asked the owner. “I am blind. Just bring me some of your dirty forks. I will smell each one and order.” said the blind man.

The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve some dirty forks and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the forks and said, “Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.” “Unbelievable!” the owner thought.

The next day, the blind man returned to the restaurant.

The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, “Do me a favor and rub this fork in your private part.” which she did. The owner returned to the blind man and let him smell the fork.

The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and said, “Oh! Interesting! I never knew Brenda worked here!”

“””””

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A TV crew goes down to a farmer to explore how a day in the countryside unfolds. They ask him to describe how his day goes.

– Well, I get up in the morning, and I have a shot of moonshine…

– Hold on, hold on, this won’t do!! We can’t tell our viewers that you’re drinking first thing in the morning. You know what, say that you get up and read the newspaper. There you go!

– Alright, I get up in the morning, and I read the newspaper. I feed the pigs, and then I read another newspaper. In the morning, I’m out in the workshop, and I read two or three books. For lunch, I read two magazines, then I walk around the estate, reading another book. In the evening, I bring in the animals, and then I read the evening newspaper. After that, I would go to the library, but it’s only open until ten, so then we go over to my buddy Joe’s place, ’cause he’s got a printing press…

“””””

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Three guys die and go to heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner, your way across the bridge to Heaven will
be decided.”

The first guy says, “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice.”

The angel gives him an old model pick-up.

The second guy says, “11 years and only once.”

The angel grants him a Mercedes.

The last man says, “20 years and not once, we loved each other with all our hearts.”

The angel is duly impressed, and bestows upon him a gold edition Lamborghini.

The man soon passes the other two men.

Hours later the two men catch up to him at a diner. He’s sitting alone at a table sobbing and muttering to himself.

One of the men approaches him and says, “I know we are dead but it could be much worse. Don’t be upset!”
The guy looks up and says “Don’t be upset?!, 30 minutes ago I passed my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!”

“””””

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