A blackout drunk man throws up on himself. He begins to panic because he doesn’t want to explain it to his wife. The bartender says “ no big deal, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket and say some other booze hound threw up on you and gave you money for the dry cleaning bill”. The man stumbles into his house, and his wife immediately is furious over his stained jacket, he tells her the lie and she finds money in his pocket. “ honey this is $20 not $10”

“Ohhhh yeah, he also took a shit in my pants!!”

“””””

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A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

“””””

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A blonde millionaire walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

“””””

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A young man went to the new MegaMall looking for a job. The manager asked “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dallas.” The manager liked the young man so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”
The salesman said “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

“$124,237.64″

The manager choked and exclaimed $124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and a fishing rod with reel. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Yellowfin. Then he said he didn’t think his Kia Soul would pull it, so I took him over to car sales and I sold him the 4×4.”

The manager, incredulous, said, “You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?”

“No, actually he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I told him since his weekend is pretty well screwed, he might as well go fishing.”

“””””

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