A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a blonde woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles. He walks over to her and says, “Can I help you?”

“I lost an earring,” the blonde replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, “Are you sure you lost it here?”

“No, I was near 5th and Main when I noticed it missing.”

He stared at her for a moment, confused. “That’s three blocks away. Why are you looking here?”

Without looking up, she replied, “Because the lighting is better.”

“””””

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Halloween was over. All the trick or treaters came and went. Some got candies. Some got confused when we said “trick” and sprayed them with water.

A couple of hours later while we were taking the candy bag inside, a 12 year old came dressed in all red.

Naturally, I told him that Halloween was over and we all wanted to go to sleep now. Instead, he turned to my girlfriend who was helping me and said. “Im your period. Sorry, I’m late.”

My man got the remaining candies.

“””””

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says “Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?”

The customer says, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?”
The waiter says “Ok…. let me go check with the chef.” The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but he doesn’t see that the customer has gotten up from his table and is following right behind him.

The waiter gets to the kitchen, and says to the chef, “Some asshole jerk weirdo out there wants me to get him HALF a Caesar salad…” and he jerks his thumb toward the dining room, and in so doing, he sees the customer standing right behind him.

“And this fine gentleman would like the other half.”

“””””

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Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her. So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter’s field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn’t paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

“Listen, you owe me $2000 and don’t seem inclined to pay me like we agreed. Since that is about what the cow is worth, why don’t you give me the cow and we’ll call it even?”

Fenwood thinks a moment and says “Keep the cow one more month and you have a deal!”

“””””

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