Are your kids twins?
description

Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice …”

“““““

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At a Chinese restaurant
description

At a Chinese restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what did you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise…”

“Ah! So sorry everyone,” says the waiter, “I brought you Peeking Duck.”

“““““

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Little girl works at construction site
description

Little girl works at construction site

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if them lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the god damn sheetrock.”

“““““

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Running an errand for his quarantined grandfather
description

Running an errand for his quarantined grandfather

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, “Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $45.12.

Here’s your change.”
Grandpa says, “My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.

“Can’t do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob.”

“Why is that, grandpa?” asks the boy.

“Too many fuckin’ cameras.”

“““““

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