Vegan Jokes

Vegan Jokes

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar….
I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.


What’s the only thing a vegan kills?
A conversation.


What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker


I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan
I’m then stranded alone on a desert island and there’s nobody to tell.


Why don’t vegans moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit a piece of meat makes them happy


What’s a vegan’s favorite animal?
The high horse.


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Doctor’s new Ferrari

Doctor’s new Ferrari

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly..
Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than myFerrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”


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Lost Golfer

Lost Golfer

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, “Can you please help me, I don’t know what Hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.”
He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
“I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost; can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”
She told him, “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.”

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m in sales,” she said.
He replied, “No kidding; so am I.”
“What do you sell?”

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.

She said, “I sell sanitary napkins.”
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh”.
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper….. I’m still one Hole behind you.”


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Infatuate with her perfect big butt

Infatuate with her perfect big butt

Dugly has been eyeing this girl at school for months now, infatuate with her perfect big butt. There’s a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn’t have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there’s a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection.

He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. “Pick me up at seven,” she says. “Oh joyous day!” says Dugly. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants– nothing works.

Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He’s all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.


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