A couple good ol’ boys decide to stop at a saloon on their way through a small town.

It’s a crowded dive of a place and the only place to sit was a couple stools next to a spittoon. Bill and Larry were looking forward to some drinks, so they belly up. It quickly became apparent why no one wanted to sit there, as the tobacco-chewing regulars were constantly coming up to use the spittoon.
Both guys are three sheets to the wind when Bill tells Larry he’ll give him $20 if he takes a single swig out of the spittoon:

Larry: “Hell no! That’s DISGUSTING and there’s NO WAY I’m doing that for $20!”

Bill: “What if I offered you $50?”

Larry: “As much as I could use the money, it’s still not worth it. That shit is FOUL!!”

Bill: “OK. Would you do it for $100??”

Larry thinks for a minute, and decides to go for it. He picks up the spittoon, tips it, and takes a slurp. He keeps slurping and slurping, gagging with every swallow, until the spittoon is empty. He slams down the spittoon, wipes his mouth, and (looking a little green around the gills) holds out his hand for the money:
Bill: “Here’s your $100, but WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DRINK ALL OF IT WHEN ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TAKE ONE SIP??”

Larry: “I couldn’t stop. It was all one piece.”

“””””

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20’s, a woman’s tits are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s and 40’s, her boobs are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, her breasts are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

“””””

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Dugly came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.

Jill sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. “No,” she replied. “I’ve been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today.”

Dugly immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Jill could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.

Dugly stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, “If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!”

“””””

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My friend thought I was lonely so he set me up on a blind date with a beautiful girl from his work. She had long dark hair. Amazing boobs that really complemented her hourglass waist and a peach of a booty.

The date went amazing, we shared lots of different interests and got on really well. She told me early on that she found me attractive.

After many drinks we agreed to continue the conversation at my place so I ordered a taxi and off we went. Few more glasses of wine a things moved to the bedroom.

We were kissing on the bed and my hands moved from her waist to her boobie area. She grabbed my hand and suddenly looked nervous. “I have a confession to make” she said. “I actually only have really small boobs. I put socks in my bra to make them look bigger”

I told her it wasn’t a problem but I also had a confession to make. “I’m sorry but I also must confess I have the penis of a baby” I told her. My voice full of shame.

She put her hand on my mine and told me it was ok. We started kissing again then I slowly removed her dress. I took off her bra and out popped the socks.

She then pulled down my pants.

Her eyes when wide with shocked, the air left her body and she started to tremble.

“Yo yo you ttttold me you ha ha hadd the penis of a baby” she said shaking.

“I do” I replied grabbing the monster. “8 pound 4 ounces”

“””””

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