My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day…

“It’s interesting, isn’t it.” I said. “A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, ‘oh my, that’s a bit wrong, that!’ and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece bikini is pretty much just a bra and panties. So, logically, you should be able to walk down the beach, in bra and panties, and nobody should care!”

And my wife said to me, “Larry, I don’t care!

Take them off!”

“””””

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, “Thanks very much Father,…you’re a virgin.” The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, “Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin.” At this stage the priest decides to take action. “Tommy,” he says, “that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?” “Yes,” says the kid, “a tight cunt.”

“””””

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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are you going to travel with only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one of the accountants.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, “Ticket, please.”

“””””

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

“””””

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