A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts “hijack!”.

All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying.

Then a white guy from the back stands up and says “oh hi Ahmed, didn’t expect to see you here..”

A trucker stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a burger, coffee and a slice of pecan pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker’s burger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his pecan pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

“““““

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute….”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

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People have asked me why I got divorced…. well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

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