A man gets audited by the IRS and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, “Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler.”

“I am not a terrible gambler,” the man replies. “I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” he says to the auditor.

“You can’t bite your own eye,” the auditor replies. “I’ll take your bet.”

The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.

“Ok, that wasn’t really fair. You didn’t know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. “Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye.”

The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.

The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.

“Ok,” the man says again. “You didn’t know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk.”

The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.

“I have no choice,” the auditor says. “I’ll take the bet.”

The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.

The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.

“Wait,” the auditor says. “Why are you so upset?”

“Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it.”

——-

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

——-

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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem”

well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese. Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer…”

“““““

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A sixty year old man walks into Walgreens and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, “Do you sell condoms here?”

“Sure. What size are you?”

“I don’t know,” he replies.

“Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into Walgreens and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, “Do you sell condoms here?”

The cashier replies, “Sure. What size do you need?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Allow me to check for you,” she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the Walgreens checkout counter and asks sheepishly, “Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?”

“Yep,” she says. “What size do you need?”

“I don’t know,” he says nervously.

“Allow me to check for you,” she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, “Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter.”

“““““

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