While on a visit to the adult store, a young woman named Lisa came across a product advertised as the Magic Dildo. She brought the item to the shopkeeper to ask about it.

“Ah yes”, he said, “this one is voice activated. You just put the batteries in, and say the words ‘Magic Dildo-‘ and wherever you want it to go!”

Quite intrigued, Lisa paid for the Magic Dildo and brought it home to her small apartment.
Inserting the batteries, she felt silly holding a voice activated dildo, so as a test, she quietly stated: “Magic Dildo, the bed”.

The Magic Dildo shot up onto the air and flew across the room, landing softly on the bed with a gentle whir.
The young woman excitedly removed her clothes, got on the bed with her new toy and whispered “Magic Dildo- my pussy.”

The Magic Dildo gave a whir and slid effortlessly inside, vibrating and pulsating. Lisa moaned with pleasure as the Magic Dildo hit all the right spots.

After a few minutes of pure bliss, Lisa came with an orgasm that shook the entire bed. Toes curled and screaming in ecstasy, she felt the Magic Dildo’s whirring intensify.

Wave after wave and orgasm after orgasm left Lisa screaming and drenched with sweat and other fluids. She wanted to stop but realized she couldn’t get a grip on the Magic Dildo to pull it out.
“Magic Dildo STOP! MAGIC DILDO NO MORE!” The Magic Dildo wasn’t listening.

Lisa struggled to get somewhat dressed, and crawled back to her car. orgasming over and over again she drove as best she could back to the sex shop for help, but her erratic driving caught the attention of a traffic cop, who pulled her over.

“Please!” She screamed before the officer could even say a word, “I am not drunk! I have a Magic Dildo, I can’t get it out!”

The policeman laughed, “Magic Dildo- My Ass”

“””””

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A billionaire makes an offer to his employee. The boss says “You seem like a nice guy. If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Ferrari, and a million dollar annual salary.”

The employee asks what’s wrong with her. The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous. The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s also as dumb as a brick.” The employee replies, “I don’t care what you offer me, it’s not worth it.” The boss says, “I’ll still give you all the perks but make the salary $3 million a year and buy you a penthouse condominium on Park Avenue as well.” After a bit of thought, the guy accepts the offer figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the employee buys an original Salvadore Dali painting and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.” She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, “Get me some nails.” She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and screams “Fuck!” She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

“””””

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A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”

“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.

“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”

The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.

The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”

The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”

The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”

The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”

The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 127.”

“””””

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A priest wants to go on vacation, so he calls his rabbi friend and asks if he would handle his parish for a month.

The rabbi replies “I guess. I can definitely handle the sermons as I’ll just preach from the old testament but I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with the confessional.”

“Confessions are easy,” the priest says. “Just watch me and you’ll get the idea.”

So the priest goes in the confession box and a woman comes up. “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman comes up:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

“This is easy,” the rabbi says. “I can handle it.”

“You take the next one and I’ll watch” the priest replies.

So the rabbi goes in the confession box and the next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with a man.”

The rabbi replies “so sleep with another, they’re 2 for a dollar.”

“””””

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