A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed.

Unfortunately, standing right next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, ma’am, how may we help you today?”

Flustered, she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?”

“Madam,” he answers, “If you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

“””””

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Steve dies and goes to Heaven, where St Peter informs him that he’ll have to share apartment with someone else.

“You see, it’s getting a bit crowded up here”, St Peter explains.

“What kind of roommate will I get?” Steve asks.

“A gentleman from 14th century Mexico.”

“Medieval Mexico?!” Steve exclaims. “But I’m from 21st century Britain! We’ll have nothing in common!”
“I’m sure you’ll find something to talk about if you try”, says St Peter.

So Steve is shown to his heavenly home and is introduced to a shy, skinny fellow whom he’s supposed to share it with.

“So what did you work as?” asks Steve.

“Peasant”, says the Mexican.

“How was that?”

“Hard.”

“I was a web designer.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t know how to explain it to you, sorry. Did you have hobbies? Mine was old cars.”
“I don’t understand.”

Thus the conversation continues, both men struggling to keep it going, both fearing an eternity of awkwardness.

Then the Mexican asks: “How did you die?”

“Well…” Steve hesitates. “To be honest, I died because my life had become too difficult for me to handle.”
“Why had it become so difficult?”

“I fell for a pyramid scheme. You see, my heart was stolen by someone who only wanted to use me.”
The Mexican beams with relief. “What a coincidence!”

“””””

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One day Kenny went to into a brothel on the west coast of Canada. He was greeted by a stunning hostess that politely asked how they can be of service.

Kenny, with his Newfoundland accent says: “ I would like to see Rachel.”

The hostess replies: “ok, she is just finishing up and will be with you momentarily.”

Rachel comes out and leads Kenny into the back where she immediately gets right to business. Peg says “$100 for a bj and $200 for the full meal deal.” Kenny hands her 200 and she rocks his world.

The next day, Kenny comes back, at the same time and asks the same hostess to see Rachel. This time, Peg was on standby and ready. Rachel, remembering Kenny, asked him if he wanted to do the same as the day before. Kenny nods, hands peg 2 c-notes and away they go.

The third day, Kenny is back. The hostess says: “let me guess, you’re here to see Rachel.” Kenny replied “yes bye!” The hostess directed him down the hall to the back room where she was.

Rachel, now warming up to Kenny starts to get into a little small talk with him. She asks Kenny: “where are you from? Kenny proudly says: “St. John’s, Newfoundland!” Rachel’s expression shows even more curiosity as she says: “so am I! What neighborhood do you live in? !” Kenny replies: “East Meadows.” Startled, Rachel says “my parents live in East Meadows!” Kenny says: “I know. They’re next door to me and asked me to bring you $600.”

“””””

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions”

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”

The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “She must have big tits.”

“””””

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