A housewife is having a sex with three men, one of them is deaf.

Her husband walks in, so one hides in the closet, the second under the bed and the deaf man hides in the balcony.

The husband opened the closet, and yells who the hell are you, the man says I’m the handyman, I’m fixing your closet, you owe me 100 bucks. He gives him his money and send him on his way.

The husband then looks under the bed and yells who the fuck are you, the second one says I’m also a handyman and | was fixing your bed, so the husband gives him another $100 and let him leave.

The deaf man then storms into the room, and yells, I has sex with her too, that’ll be a $100.

“””””

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The world’s richest man is dying. He has made peace with that. But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he’s a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he can’t take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.

He broods over this so much that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says
“Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here”

The angel replies
“I know Lord, but he’s been such a good man. He was a selfless man on so many counts, he did so much for charity, ran his business humanely and all. He’s only human. He can’t help having this little quirk. Isn’t there something we can do to ease his mind?”
Jesus thinks a moment.

“All right. Let’s look him up in the Book of Life”

The Book is like a film of this man’s life and seeing his struggles and accomplishments, Jesus is moved to tears.

He tells the guardian angel
“Find a discreet way to tell him that I will allow him to bring one suitcase – only one, mind you! And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment of his death his suitcase and its contents will be brought to heaven with him.”

The angel goes down and delivers the message to the dying richest man.

The guy is happy, but what should he bring? He can’t settle down on only one thing. Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they’d be just paper. Finally it dawns on him: gold! Gold has been valued throughout history and never got out of fashion.

He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his deathbed.
Now he can die in peace, and he does shortly after.

True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates, suitcase in hand. St Peter greets him warmly and says
“All right. Let’s see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn’t enough”

The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.

St Peter stares at it, puzzled, and sighs in utter disbelief:

“But… why did you bring pavement?”

“””””

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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

“That’s amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How are you doing that?!”

The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?”

“””””

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A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck will have it, while in their way back they run into a group of People.

The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his Face.

After the People have left the Priest asks the Rabbi:”What was that supposed to be??”

The Rabbi smiling:”Well my Friend, my community recognizes me by my face.”

“””””

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