Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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A truck driver hauling a container load of computers out of Silicon Valley stops at a cafe for a cup of coffee. As he enters, he follows a nerdy guy with tape on his glasses and a pocket protector. The proprietor doesnt say a word, but pulls out a shotgun and blows the geek away. Whyd you do that? cried the truck driver. Oh, dont worry, since the nerds have overpopulated Silicon Valley, theyre in open season. You dont even need a license! The driver finishes his coffee, gets back in his truck, and as he heads out of the driveway, his load shifts, his back door opens and his load of computers spills out all over the road. Immediately a huge crowd of nerds forms, grabbing his computers. Remembering the incident in the café, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away until a cop arrives and orders him to stop. Whats wrong, officer? I thought it was open season on nerds? Well, yeah, replied the cop. But it aint fair to bait em!

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