A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.

“Well, I guess I’m going to get a drivers license”, he answered.

“Oh, don’t listen to him,” said a woman in the passenger seat, “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”

Then the guy in the backseat said, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

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An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.”

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

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A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

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Some boyscouts went to see an old veteran in the nursing home and he was telling them about the war.
He said “One time while on a mission, a lion jumped out and went ROAR. I crapped myself.”
One of the boys said “That’s understandable, we would be scared of a lion, too.”
The old man said “No, I mean just now, when I went ROAR”!

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