Three construction workers eat their lunch at the top of the skyscraper they work on every day. One is British, one is Italian, and one is American.

The British worker opens up his lunch bag and finds fish and chips packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “fish and chips again? I always get fish and chips! I swear, if I get fish and chips tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The Italian worker opens up his lunch bag and finds spaghetti packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “spaghetti again? I always get spaghetti! I swear, if I get spaghetti tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The American worker opens up his lunch bag and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “peanut butter and jelly again? I always get peanut butter and jelly! I swear, if I get peanut butter and jelly tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The next day, the British worker opens his lunch to find fish and chips, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

The Italian worker opens his lunch to find spaghetti, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

The American worker opens his lunch to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

At their funeral, the wife of the British worker is visibly distraught. “If only I had’ve known,” she sobbed, “none of this would have happened!”

The wife of the Italian worker is also visibly distraught. “If only I had’ve known,” she sobbed, “none of this would have happened!”

The wife of the American worker shrugs. “Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch”.

“””””

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A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie. Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.
The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home.

The man then, as his second wish, wishes for a horde of mongolians to come to poland to kill and pillage.
The genie, really not understanding this man at all, snaps his fingers, and then another horde comes, this time to the first town on polish land, kills and pillages, and then returns home.

The polish man, satisfied with his first two wishes, then says to the genie, “Genie, I wish for a horde of mongolians to come to poland to kill and pillage.”

The genie, completely dumbstruck, complies. This time the horde reaches the first major city, kills and pillages, and then leaves to return home.

After this, the genie asks, why? why would you want a mongolian horde to come to your land three separate times to kill and pillage?

The pole responds, “If they came to poland three times, it means they went through russia 6.”
“””””

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A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

– You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me tomorrow.

The man did as the doctor said. However, the itch did not go away, and when he woke up that morning, it was even worse than before. So he called the doctor:

– The treatment you gave me did not work, my itch in my ass is even worse now!

– Don’t worry, it will. Repeat the same procedure today and call me tomorrow.

The man did once again shove a boiled egg and a gummy bear up his ass. But when he woke up the next morning, his itch was worse than ever. He called the doctor once again:

– What kind of doctor are you? Every time I’ve done as you told me, my itch has only gotten worse!
– Don’t worry. Boil another egg, but bring it to my office, and take a hammer along with you.
The man, who could barely walk because of his pain, did as the doctor said.

When he came to the doctor’s office, the doctor told him to lie down and spread his legs. The doctor then proceeded to shove the boiled egg up the man’s ass. He waited a while before the tapeworm came out saying:
– Hey! Why didn’t I get a gummy bear this time?

And BAM! The doctor slammed the tapeworm with the hammer and killed it.

“””””

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A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals.Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw it as hard as you can at their leader.”

So, gathering his courage, the man grabs the rock as he was told and throws it with all his might at their leader. The rock soars through the air with uncanny speed and accuracy and bashes the leader square in between the eyes, instantly killing him. As his body drops to the ground the rest of the cannibals stare in disbelief, jaws dropped and eyes darting back and forth between the man and their fallen leader.

Just then the light shines back down upon the man and he hears the voice of God again, and God says, “NOW you’re screwed!”

“””””

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