Two hunters are out in the woods and all of sudden one of them collapses. And he looks like hes not breathing and his friend thinks hes dead.
So he pulls out his cell phone and he calls emergency services and he says to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?
And the operator says: OK, calm down, calm down. I can help you. Um, now first, just make sure hes dead.
And then theres a silence on the phone. And then theres a shot. Bang!
And then the guy says: OK, what next.

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A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time
to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a
Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and
he said, “Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away
from me across the froor.”

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
“Now…you crawl real fass back to me,” and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, “you haf real bad case of
Ed Zachary disease….worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem.”

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,

“Ed Zachary Disease….that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!”

“““““

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An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

“““““

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A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’ ”
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

“““““

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