(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)

One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ”Peace unto you” I say ”Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy”

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”

“““““

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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

She whispers in his ear “That’s me before the surgery.”

“““““

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A guy read in a magazine that you can have longer sex by masterbating beforehand. He decides to test it out the same evening after work!

His only problem: where should he do it?
In the toilets? To many people!
Behind his desk? To risky!
In the park down the street? To many playing children!

On his way home he thinks he has the ideal solution: stop at a parkingarea next to the road, go underneath the car and act like you are inspecting the underneath.

The guy pulls over at a parking spot, gets underneath his car, closes his eyes, pulls his pants down and starts frantically masturbating while thinking of his girlfriend.

Just before he’s about to reach his highlight, he feels someone pulling on his trouser leg. To keep his rythm, so close before ejaculation, he decides to keep his eyes closed and to continue…….

Again, someone pulls on his trousers leg. Still, with his eyes closed he asked: “Who’s there?”

“Police”, the person answered “and what are we doing here sir?”

“I am inspecting my rear axle, I think its broken” he replied in a bit of a panic.

“Ahh right” the police man replied whilst laughing. While you’re busy doing that, check your handbrake too, because your car is 40 feet further up the road against a lamp post

“““““

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