A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Larry!”
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A young boy answered the phone in a whisper, “Hello?”

The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper, “He can’t come to the phone.”

The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered, “She’s busy. She can’t come to the phone either.”

The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. “Yes,” he whispered. “The police and the firemen are here too.”

When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered, “They’re busy too. They can’t come to the phone either.”

Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.

The boy whispered “They’re looking for me.”

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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

After a long pause the “pilot” replied, “You mean, you’re not my instructor?”

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Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3:A M and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!?!”

“Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
She sees his hands are covered with powder and…

“You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”

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