A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they dont sell rectum deodorant…. and that in fact hes never heard of it before.

The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

Im sorry, says the pharmacist, we dont have any.
But I always get it here, says the blonde.
Do you have the container it comes in? asks the pharmacist.
Yes! said the blonde, Ill go home and get it.

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: To apply, push up bottom.

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Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, My husband wants me to ask you¦ if its still okay

I know, I know. the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.

No, no¦ that’s not it at all, Samantha confessed. He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.
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Hey, Mom, asked Little Johnny, can you give me twenty dollars? Certainly not! answered his mother. If you do, Little Johnny went on, Ill tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.

His mothers ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. Well? what did he say? He said, Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.

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Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across – there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.

1. Only drunk dial when youre drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2. Its okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you dont remember it, it didnt happen.
3. If youre going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. Mom Im in McDonalds and theyre playing our song. I love you.
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesnt want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is OK, but only if youre prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. Its always a good idea to sing on someones answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed…. Never angry.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. Theyre usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that you have a problem.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friends. Its karma.

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