There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?”. And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

“““““

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A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”

“What?” asks the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrott. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”

——-

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

“““““

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