One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you’ll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, “I saw my wife the other day” and the first guy said “yeah, so” and the third guy said ” she was riding a skateboard”

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Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
‘Meow!’ says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, ‘Stupid cats.’
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ‘Woof!’
‘Stupid dogs!’ says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, ‘Potato potato!’

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”

Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”, replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer.

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

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Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?! Whoa! Dont yell! the blonde on the ladder explained, If its pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, Dont throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house! Duh!

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