A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says Darling, I know weve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: I dont want you to try and talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a far better lover than you.

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. I want the house, he demands. Up to 60 mph. I want the car, too, he continues. 65 mph! And, he says, Ill have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isnt there anything you want?

At last the wife replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. No, Ive got everything I need. she says.

Oh, really? he inquires, So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says……………….. The airbag.

Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.

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One day Little Johnny came home from school with a note pinned to his shirt. The note read: Dear parent, apparently Little Johnny has been having some trouble with telling the difference between girls and boys. Please sit down with him and explain this. Signed, Little Johnnys teacher.

After reading the note Little Johnnys mom took him into her room and shut the door. Okay Little Johnny, his mother said. First take off my high heels. Then take off my panty hose. Then take off my dress. Now take off my bra and panties.

NOW NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL AGAIN!

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer? The teacher wasnt certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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This job security quiz will help determine how long youll be at your current job and what what kind of future youll have. Much better than an 8 ball I think.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you….
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that youre planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until youve finished the level.

Theres a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone whos been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, Wont have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch I Love Lucy reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which youve written the word union.

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you….
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it …. then tell the CEOs secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it …. then proudly tell the CEOs secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kids fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you….
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss face.

Scoring the job security quiz:
Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. Theyll never fire you because youre a doormat.
Mostly Bs: Youre not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, youll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! Youre a real jerk.
Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but hes terrified of what you might do.

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