Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why? asks the father.
The teacher asked How much is 2 x 3? I said 6.
But thats right!
Then she asked me How much is 3 x 2?
Whats the fucking difference? asks the father.
Thats what I said!

“““““

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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that shes a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

Is it true youre a prostitute?

Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?

Well, I dunno. What do you charge?

I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..

$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?

You see that Ferrari out there?

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough theres a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, its worth it.

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience hes ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night hes back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

Last night was incredible!

Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..

How much is that?

$500″

$500!?! Cmon, thats ridiculous!

You see that apartment building across the street?

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, its worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints…. twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. Im hooked, youre the best! Tell me, whatll it cost me for some pussy?

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

You see that island?

Aw, cmon! You cant mean that!

She nods her head. You bet. If I had a pussy, Id own Manhattan!

“““““

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

“““““

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A police officer pulls over this guy whos been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says, Sorry, officer, I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, Ill have a really bad asthma attack.

Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.

I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.

Well, then, we need a urine sample.

Im sorry, officer, I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, Ill get really low blood sugar.

All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

I cant do that, officer.

Why not?

Because Im drunk.

“““““

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