A police officer pulls over this guy whos been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says, Sorry, officer, I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, Ill have a really bad asthma attack.

Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.

I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.

Well, then, we need a urine sample.

Im sorry, officer, I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, Ill get really low blood sugar.

All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

I cant do that, officer.

Why not?

Because Im drunk.

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In a small Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemens helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, See, it says right here, The three wise men came from afar.

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
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After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says I bet you are a surgeon. She confirms and asks how he knew. Easy, youre always washing your hands. Thats very clever she says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist. Wow, how did you guess?

I didnt feel a thing.

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

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