A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

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There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunters shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. You are hunting me, Ill bet, said the bear. You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!

The hunter didnt want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzlys offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, Youre not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?

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So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are:

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

8) Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!

7) I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?

4) Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

3) The coffee machine is broken….

2) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot….

1) ……in Jesus name, Amen.

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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

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